Mulan, Danny DeVito and human faeces :)

I always knew, when deciding to start telling the world I was a feminist that there would be problems. Yet, never did I imagine the amount of sheer shit I would have to deal with. I literally feel sometimes like being a feminist means being willing to swim through a sea of shit and your flippers and armbands are made of shit and every now and then a sea monster made of shit tries to drag you down deeper into the shit and suffocate you with it's tentacles of shit.
A vast number of people will try and make things worse for you and confuse your cause with that of a militant communist lesbian (a valid cause, nonetheless, but not the one us feminists fight for). They will make you so angry you just want to go mental and get all stabby. But you do not, for you are an intelligent feminist who can calmly rationalise her arguments - except when you're drunk and screaming 'POWER TO DA PUSSAAAY'.
I've written a list of these people for your awareness, as they may take you by surprise. Remember, y'all misogynists are everywhere!

• The guy who goes 'huh huh huh, so how come you expect men to pay the bill... WELL?!?!' like he's made some kind of journal-worthy point that no arsehole has ever made before. Just tell this guy that HE is always expected to pay the bill as a gift to that woman as SHE has had to put up with his poor banter for a considerable amount of time. The subtle nuances of a relationship tend to be worked out by two people. Personally, I like to go dutch as I feel weird about being paid for by someone who probably doesn't know me very well. Regardless, this argument is the same as saying 'why do I always have to be big spoon in bed'. It's pretty pointless and irrelevant.
• The girl who tells you you're letting down the team, and that feminism is boring. All I have to say to these girls is good luck in all their future endeavours. If only someone had said to Mandela 'dude, civil rights is so boring, chill out get a mani/pedi, you look so unattractive in those prison clothes'. If you talk about it all the time, yeah it probably is boring. Same way if you CONSTANTLY talk about Phish Food ice cream or a really cute cat  or any other good things they'll become boring. I like a lambrini and a mini-dress as much as the next lass - I just happen to value myself - so I don't get too worked up on comments from girls who like to get their heads pushed down during blow jobs.
• Biological determinists. Breaking out the big words now, yo. These people will tell you that since the dawn of time men have done certain things and women have done certain things and it's all because of biology and certainly nothing to do with thousands of years of oppression. So really, us wenches should all get back to scrubbing the decks and ironing shirts and having the dinner ready for our husband's return. Fuck. Dat. Shit. Women have proved time and time again that they are able to do all of the things men can do but people still bring up the fact that women are 'motherly' and 'caring' and any other word which basically means fluffy. Many women do have these qualities - it's great to be sweet - but that doesn't mean they aren't also strong, capable, logical and clever. Christ, just look at how Mulan fooled all those Chinese army guys!
• This is one which basically confounds me. Women who say to you 'yeah right on, but tbh it's just not for me this whole feminism lark'. O rly? Is equality a bit too radical for you? To be a woman and not a feminist is like a meerkat just opting out of doing that cute little lookout thing. That's the real letting down the team. Being a feminist isn't the same as being a Jehovah's Witness. You don't have to go round the doors telling people to 'join up'. You just are. If someone abuses you or puts you down or short-changes you because you're a woman you just say no. Simples (as a true team player once said). 

There are many more people who will try to wee on your feminist cornflakes. My advice is just to eat the cornflakes and smile sweetly which trying to keep down their fetid urine - metaphorically OBV! So, as if life wasn't already a constant struggle not to physically hurt others it gets worse. I just like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito in Matilda and go "I'm right you're wrong! And there ain't nothin' you can do about it!" I actually like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito a lot. Maybe I should get that seen to.

Auld Lang SHITE

So it's January.
Happy bloody new year! I love the idea of a new year. A fresh start, a blank canvas. However, I can't help but feel like a burst balloon about four seconds after the cheek-kissing and 'happy new-year-ing' on the bells has ended.
January is the worst month because -

• Christmas (which I start preparing for and getting excited about at the beginning of October) is over. You've opened your presents and watched the Royle family and you have to wait a whole 350-something days to do it all again.
• You're properly skint as most of you got paid either before Christmas or before NYE and spunked it all away on booze and presents and sparkly outfits.
• Everyone else on the planet is on a health kick so you have to live like a disgusting alcoholic slob alone - this is very distressing.
• It's cold and snow has no resonance now that you're not feeling festive.
• The next holiday to look forward to is Valentines day which strikes fear into the heart of every woman who knows she's going to have to go to Ann Summers and purchase some piece of bright red cheese cloth and look like a joint of pork while smiling, pretending it's all ok, and hoping that with enough champagne and shit chocolates she'll have forgotten all about the ordeal by morning.
• That is unless you count Burns Night (and if you do please just fuck right off) which is essentially just eating dog food and praising a poet, who if you knew him, you'd call an utter twat and probably hate.

Have a good month.

Girls On Film

According to studies by numerous reputable news and research organizations pornography accounts for roughly 12% of the internet. There are 68 million search engine requests for pornographic content every day – A staggering result but one which is no surprise to many of us. We all know that it is adult websites which first caused the World Wide Web to flourish. Next week a public consultation by the government regarding this issue will end and decisions will be made on the future of what we view online.

The Daily Mail has embarked on a tirade against anything sexual online claiming that children are unwittingly being exposed to images which are “scarring” them on a daily basis. While they have evidence to reinforce this from the NSPCC and Childline alarm bells continue to ring in my mind. Firstly, any user of the internet will know that pornography does not simply creep up on you. Granted, it is easy enough to search for websites but every major porn site asks your age before you enter and restricts access if you are under 18 (or 21 in some cases). How naïve to assume that the internet is some malevolent force, pushing sordid images and videos upon innocent minors. If your child is accessing porn it is because they or their friends have went looking for it any bypassed security measures to do so. Sorry to shatter the image of your sheltered little brats. Just because you haven’t given them ‘the talk’ certainly doesn’t mean their mates in the playground haven’t already enlightened them to the Birds and the Bees.

Secondly, what is The Daily Mail’s proposed course of action against this? To make pornography “opt-in”. This means that everybody’s internet is automatically restricted and to undo this you have to call your ISP and ask someone at a call-centre if you’d like to change this. Now, call me crazy but if I want a wank I’d like not to have to ask James in Cardiff from Virgin Media, thanks very much. It is my civil liberty to be able to watch whatever I want online (given it is not illegal) and it is not OK for that to be taken away from me. Government intervention has gone too far when your access online is being restricted. I can only like it to the quote from Robert A. Henlein on censorship: “The whole principle is wrong; it's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't eat steak.” As long as what is being shown is not against the law, why should we be forbidden from seeing it?

It is another way for people to be made to feel dirty for doing what is normal. Pornography is certainly not a substitute for real human sexual interaction but when watched in moderation (both alone and as a couple) it can contribute to a healthy sex life. Yes, people have reported becoming addicted to it. But there are also sex addicts and alcoholics and those hooked on nicotine and none of those things are even considered taboo let alone illegal.

Parents – If you are worried your child is going to be scarred by the image of a couple having sex then please, firstly, get a grip. They see heads get kicked off in Tekken and people’s guts get blown up in action movies. They tell you they’re scared and traumatized because they’ve been caught. If they say it wasn’t their fault and they don’t know what happened then they’re not in trouble. No kid is going to tell their mum that they wanted to know what a woman’s downstairs looks like so they searched it on Google.

Furthermore if it’s that big an issue for you, feel free to add parental controls. It’s easy and free with most service providers. If that’s too hard for you? Well, you’re a lazy parent and any worries you profess to have are bullshit because if you cared that much you’d take the ten minutes and do it.

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair that busybodies and poor parenting should be to blame for censorship of the internet. Freedom is important whether it’s to be able to vote or to be able to look at fake tits and creepily large penises. WHO’S WITH ME?!

The Rise and Rise of The Lad

Lad culture was seen as something which originated in the 90s. Cheeky fellas like Damon Albarn et al getting drunk in Falkiraki and getting their bums out to bemused middle class families. And, yes, that may be correct. However, I put to you that lad culture has never really blossomed until our generation. There is only one piece of evidence I need to prove this: The fact that girls fancy Gaz from Geordie Shore.

If you’ve ever seen Geordie Shore you’ll be well aware of that it’s basically soft-core porn with added vomiting and jagerbombs. All fornication. All of the time. I actually find it highly entertaining (which probably says more about me than it does the show) but what constantly baffles me is that the men manage to get so much sex!

This is Gaz.

It might be down to personal taste but I think he looks like a weasel. He isn’t tall. His hair resembles a porcupine covered in bird shit. He does have muscles, granted, but that is definitely tainted by the addition of the warpaint all over his body which I can only assume is gravy.

His pulling  techniques include finding out where a girl is from and saying “Ah bet girls from (insert place name here) cannit kiss” and posting pictures of girls he’s had sex with sleeping the next morning on Twitter – entitling it “The Bed of Shame.”

Geordie Shore is a pretty candid show with no holds barred. He tells the camera that he’s a blatant player and wants all girls he brings back to be gone in the morning and never to be seen again. It is also a very popular show with young people so I’m sure the girls “tashing on” with this Neanderthal are aware of the fact that they are basically a vagina with a body to this bloke.

Is this really all women of 2012 expect for themselves!? It’s brilliant that women are now free to have as many casual sexual encounters as men. Yay equality! But for fuck’s sake, at least choose a man that takes your number and is averse to letting the whole world see your arse on MTV (if that situation ever were to arise).

You get girls that moan all over social networking sites that they wish they could find a man akin to Prince Charming or, better yet, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. These are the same girls who let guys face-fuck them outside nightclubs while, as is often the case, jeering mates look on. They suck up to these guys by plastering on fake tan and back-coming their hair within in an inch of it’s life then slut-dropping all over the dancefloor. It embarrasses our gender and makes them look like desperate hookers. And for what? A three minute bang with photographic evidence for your dad to see on Facebook.

Lad culture is so much more aggressive now. Where once is was cheeky try-your-luck chat up lines it is now certain guys thinking it’s their God-given right on a night out to have sex. Girls facilitate this enormously by brown-nosing such silly bastards as though they are Adonises – They are not. They are orange jerk-offs wearing too much Topman.

So, ladies, his dick may be named “The Parsnip” but screw him and YOU will be nicknamed “The Town Bike”. His fake tan stains on your bedsheets may wash but the same of the fact you got used by a Lad will not. 

Cabaret Voltaire Rumours Quashed

A popular Edinburgh club venue officially closed its doors last week sparking fears for many Edinburgh students and locals.

Cabaret Voltaire, which has played host to such acts as Florence & The Machine, Hot Chip, Adele and Mumford & Sons shut on February 20^th but is set to reopen in March after a multi-million pound refurbishment.

However it seems that regulars of the nightclub and music venue fear that Edinburgh’s scene has been irreparably damaged and the new venture will simply be another club similar to that already available in the city.

After a recent gig at the venue which ended in many punters paying simply to see the band playing on a television screen, Scottish band, Frightened Rabbit’s frontman Scott Hutchison had this to say: “It's a shame. Aside from the recent disaster we had there, I have some great memories of Cab Vol. Some of our first Edinburgh shows took place there. The previous gig bookers were good people who cared about music. Though, as it stands I won't miss it. That said, it's a bit of a blow for Edinburgh's live music scene.”

Rumours that the club would be re-opening as “Prism” abounded online which was perpetuated further by a Facebook page which appeared for the apparent new venue.

 Messages were posted on the page such as “Cab Vol lives on. Like the main fanpage to be among the first to know about the launch party of the new club.” Furthermore the motto featured on its Facebook page is “New Name, Same Soul”.

However Rory Weller, Marketing and Communications Manager of G1 Group (who now own Cabaret Voltaire) confirmed that this was untrue. He said: “Curious about Prism - that's not something that we've ever mentioned. I've seen some Twitter chat about it but it's not something we're planning.”

Leisure industry giant G1 Group purchased the freehold of the nightclub in July 2011 and, while they suggested some changes may be made, promised that the promoter Sarah David would be given full autonomy running the venue.

Edinburgh’s nightlife has seen blow after blow as The Forest, Roxy Art House and The Lot all shut in 2011 and this year Bongo Club was given a notice to leave it’s premises in Moray House by the owners Edinburgh University,

Cabaret Voltaire is a mainstay with students in Edinburgh has won Best Nightclub at the Dram Awards and runner-up of the Best Late Night Venue at the Theme Awards.

The club is set over two rooms in the Cowgate area of Edinburgh and hosts around 30 gigs a month, helping many young Scottish bands find fame, including the aforementioned Frightened Rabbit among others.

Floristry Industry

VALENTINE’S Day and Mother’s Day, which used to bring in an increased amount of business to florists are now failing to attract customers, experts warned last night.

Florists have expressed their worry for the state of the industry due to the drop in trade they have been experiencing during the current recession.

The economic downturn has hit flower shops hard as competition from supermarkets and online operators is strong.

Caroline Marshall-Foster, editor of Florist and Wholesale Buyer magazine, warns that smaller retailers simply cannot match their large corporate spend and the convenience in which they offer which has left them fighting to keep their premises and livelihoods.

She said: “What doesn’t help florists is that you get an awful lot of online operators who order gather on an online basis which means local florists lose traffic due to the fact these companies have a much larger corporate spend and users are used to online purchasing.

More than 70% of the public’s current spend on flowers is confined to supermarkets, which may be linked to the fact that the average budget is £10.

As costs rise it seems everybody is feeling the pinch, with even the biggest supermarkets such as Tesco or Asda reducing the square footage devoted to flowers and the range available.”

Local florists, however, cannot match such low prices as they are unable to take advantage of economies of scale.

Due to the fact that flowers are a non-essential purchase people seem to be spending less on them as their disposable incomes decrease.

Jean Baker, owner of Rococo florists on Dalry Road, Edinburgh, says that she has had to in order to stay afloat: “I’ve had to drop my prices just to get by. People just can’t afford to spend what little money they have on flowers and what with the internet, there’s just so much more to choose from”.

The advice to consumers from Florist and Wholesale Buyer is to keep on buying from your local florists but shop around. “Order gatherers such as Interflora have a huge marketing budget which means you pay towards that. You also pay for the convenience of buying online or over the phone. Many local florists simply have what’s called lifestyle businesses whereby they don’t try and make a huge profit – just enough to get by. There’s also haggle room in smaller businesses, and that’s where customers make the savings.”

Valentine’s Day falls on the 14^th of February each year as a celebration of love and lovers. Traditionally red roses are given as gifts as well as other keepsakes. A study by Travelodge this year found that Brits spent over £880million on gifts with flowers being the top choice.

Mother’s Day is a day specifically for mother’s where children buy them gifts and cards. It occurs on the fourth Sunday of Lent which can fall between the 1^st of March and the 4^th of April.

Both of these dates are synonymous with commercialisation and it is often said that they were created by greetings card companies in order to make money.

For more information on the floristry industry go to www.fandwb.com

Evolution Of The Feminist

The stereotypical image of the hairy-legged, plump, saggy-breasted feminist is one which haunts women sharing their values even now. Feminists are frumpy with dank hair and wear jumpers made of hemp. They are dowdy and grey and boring. This is no longer the case. I believe, and it seems many others agree, that to go against oppression and subservience is to embrace your femininity rather than shun it.

Yes we are women! We look like them too! It's not about dressing for men as the more radical feminists would have you believe. They are, in fact, the ones dressing for men - Trying to look invisible or purposely unattractive. The modern liberated woman dresses for herself, mixing comfort with style in order to feel confident and assertive. If men find her attractive? So be it! That isn't what it's about. A successful businessman goes to work in a sharp suit not to impress women but to show he has made an effort. Looking good on the outside makes him feel good on the inside. To act any differently to this makes a mockery of feminism - where equality is at the core of the ideology.

Michelle Mone - Founder and CEO of MGM International; Lauren Laverne - Television and radio personality; Kate Nash - Singer/songwriter. These women can easily hold their own in a debate with a man and have all excelled in their chosen field while still having fun with fashion and not feeling the need to take on a masculine look.

If we women all dressed for men we would be wearing PVC bras and knickers not maxi dresses, cigarette pants and quilted waterproof jackets. Fashion itself is liberation. Women pay for their Chanel or Moschino themselves and such coveted items are emblems of their economic autonomy, showing that they make as much money as a man without having to mimic one with their wardrobe.

So the item I've got my eye on at the minute? A faux leather pencil skirt from the Topshop A/W collection. Am I buying it so my bum looks good to a man? No. Is it being bought for me by a man who wishes for me to look good on his arm? No. It's a foxy, fiesty piece with enough originality to be noticed by the fashion-savvy crowd but enough sophistication to show that I am dressing for me and wearing what I love rather than what men lust after.