The Rise and Rise of The Lad

Lad culture was seen as something which originated in the 90s. Cheeky fellas like Damon Albarn et al getting drunk in Falkiraki and getting their bums out to bemused middle class families. And, yes, that may be correct. However, I put to you that lad culture has never really blossomed until our generation. There is only one piece of evidence I need to prove this: The fact that girls fancy Gaz from Geordie Shore.

If you’ve ever seen Geordie Shore you’ll be well aware of that it’s basically soft-core porn with added vomiting and jagerbombs. All fornication. All of the time. I actually find it highly entertaining (which probably says more about me than it does the show) but what constantly baffles me is that the men manage to get so much sex!

This is Gaz.

It might be down to personal taste but I think he looks like a weasel. He isn’t tall. His hair resembles a porcupine covered in bird shit. He does have muscles, granted, but that is definitely tainted by the addition of the warpaint all over his body which I can only assume is gravy.

His pulling  techniques include finding out where a girl is from and saying “Ah bet girls from (insert place name here) cannit kiss” and posting pictures of girls he’s had sex with sleeping the next morning on Twitter – entitling it “The Bed of Shame.”

Geordie Shore is a pretty candid show with no holds barred. He tells the camera that he’s a blatant player and wants all girls he brings back to be gone in the morning and never to be seen again. It is also a very popular show with young people so I’m sure the girls “tashing on” with this Neanderthal are aware of the fact that they are basically a vagina with a body to this bloke.

Is this really all women of 2012 expect for themselves!? It’s brilliant that women are now free to have as many casual sexual encounters as men. Yay equality! But for fuck’s sake, at least choose a man that takes your number and is averse to letting the whole world see your arse on MTV (if that situation ever were to arise).

You get girls that moan all over social networking sites that they wish they could find a man akin to Prince Charming or, better yet, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. These are the same girls who let guys face-fuck them outside nightclubs while, as is often the case, jeering mates look on. They suck up to these guys by plastering on fake tan and back-coming their hair within in an inch of it’s life then slut-dropping all over the dancefloor. It embarrasses our gender and makes them look like desperate hookers. And for what? A three minute bang with photographic evidence for your dad to see on Facebook.

Lad culture is so much more aggressive now. Where once is was cheeky try-your-luck chat up lines it is now certain guys thinking it’s their God-given right on a night out to have sex. Girls facilitate this enormously by brown-nosing such silly bastards as though they are Adonises – They are not. They are orange jerk-offs wearing too much Topman.

So, ladies, his dick may be named “The Parsnip” but screw him and YOU will be nicknamed “The Town Bike”. His fake tan stains on your bedsheets may wash but the same of the fact you got used by a Lad will not.