Summer HOLZ!

Summer time is here!.. Well if you can call a British summer that. It will be drizzly with one day of sun and 16 degrees. Anyway, does it really matter when most of us will be abusing our overdrafts to get to the proverbial 'abroad' for a week or two?

For a self-respecting girl my age going on holiday is hard enough: Working like a prostitute in Amsterdam just to pay for the thing, then trying not to lose all your human rights on the boat 'party' (prison) as well as dodging the numbers of street PRs trying to offer you 10 shots and a blow-job if you enter their rank establishment. But apparently that's not enough. Now bikinis are under fire.

I read a piece today about the rise of the 'micro bikini.' Appaz this is a totally widespread thing. See below.

I'm really sure I would've noticed full on labia at the beach. And spewed everywhere. But I have never seen one of these things before, nor do I want to ever ever ever again.

The article detailed how the pornification of our society requires women to be young and white and wear a tiny bikini and have no body hair. This is all for the approval of men and not for ourselves in any way.

Firstly... God, Karen, you can't just tell people not to be white. Plus these women are clearly porn-stars. It's not pornification if the goal is porn. No woman I know - even the super slutty ones - would wear something like this. It's fucking hideous for one. 

The fact is white women love a tan. Perhaps the frequency of women wearing such 'garments' is higher with caucasians, but I would put that down to the fact that we will literally get naked and slather ourselves in goose fat for that sweet damaged glow. The more skin on show the better.

Plus it's not for men. People - including males - wear less clothes on beaches because it's FRICKIN HOT OUT. Soz, forgot my grey fleece and thermals, I'm at the goddamn beach! 

When you're on your holidays you just let it all hang out. Before most women go, they're afraid they're gonna look like a total whale, even if they're a size 8, but in reality when you're at the pool - even the size 20 women are wearing bikinis.

The hairless thing has always been an issue for me. I like a good landscape of my lady garden before a week in the sun, sure! It's just women who feel the need to look like a large, freaky baby. But, honestly, I just want women to know that nothing's wrong. I just want them to not think they're a freak either way. Condemning a pube trim is equally as bad. Get rid of it, just don't think guys won't want you or you'll have to live in a church clocktower like Quasimodo if you don't.

This fucking feminist hate is worse than hate towards feminists. Like making women so shit-scared of every little tiny thing they do in case it's too 'sexy'. Guess what? I LOVE a bikini, and I'm not ashamed. I want a belly tan for jebus' sake.

An Eventful Night

Currently, I am tired, I have work tomorrow, I have a million better things to be doing... But I feel I need to write this.
It seems appropriate to document the events of tonight in bullet form (it's pretty long-winded)

• Comedian Rob Delaney retweeted a tweet by a guy called Tom Leykis, being nasty to some unsuspecting lady who commented that sandwich jokes are not - and, I hope you all agree, they're really not.
• This guy Leykis was getting seriously personal and nasty about this woman, and then about feminists in general, saying that people who comment on misogyny are actually more hateful and nasty than everyone. While this woman can easily stick up for herself I decided to tweet Mr Leykis.
• "@tomleykis People are hateful towards you because you're a massive a-hole not because of your gender/race/sexual orientation #learnthatshit" ... He replied...
• "@JessicaCVL My millions of listeners KNOW that I'm an asshole...and proud of it!" ... I replied ...
• "@tomleykis Well good luck to you. Spouting shit is a real talent #rectumofaman". 
• While not particularly a pleasant chat, we both got our points across and we ended it there. There was a consensus that he is an asshole, anyway? This is where it got weird.
• Quite a few people tweeted me. Apparently this guy Leykis is a radio show presenter (fuck me, they'll hire anyone, good news for my journalistic career).
• They called me a "dumb bitch," "dumb whore," "dumb bitch," (these guys are witty) "deformed," "ugly princess," "only worth is between [my] legs, if there is any at all," and said that "I need to listen to learn how to suck a dick n [sic] keep a man".
• They also wouldn't believe me that I hadn't listened to this guy's show and, for some reason, 11pm was prime time for sex so I shouldn't be tweeting them. I was also called a troll?

Isn't the internet great?!?!?!?!

It was all just really weird. But it did bring me to the conclusion that we need feminism more than ever. Before now, apart from a few real trolls commenting 'fucking feminist' on shit I've written just for the hell of it, I've never actually come into contact with such a shower of shits.

If you've read this blog before, then obviously you'll know I really care about feminism, but now more than ever before. It's like you know there are people out there that genuinely think homosexuality is evil, but until you meet them they're just 'those cunts' and when you do they're 'those REAL cunts'.

Germaine Greer said you're not a woman until you taste your own period blood, I say you're not a woman until someone's told you you're only worth comes from your cunt. My cunt is pretty awesome and priceless but I like to think other parts of me are alright too. I will continue to think this - while still promoting how brilliant my genitals are - forever. Because some guy who has an anime character as his profile picture really doesn't matter that much.

I just hope that other women don't see shit like this and get scared to stand up for themselves and others. It's not a sisterhood to me, you really don't have a duty to woman-kind. I just like to think a lot of us have the moral fibre to take on dickheads the world over and bogwash them and wear pointed toe shoes and kick their arseholes etc. These people who go round talking shit about women on the internet are probably stroking their miniscule dicks (or massive pussies, if they're ladies on the dark side ;P) while they do it... So just block them and have a huge bowl of Frosties. They're fucking delicious, seriously.

DISCLAIMER: One of these people said I'd written the original comment to promote this blog. About 3 people read it, I am aware of this. I do promote posts by tweeting and Facebooking them but this only really goes out to my friends and that's how I like it. I write this blog for personal purposes, knowing that I'm not some kind of internet star. I would never write things for 'publicity', I write shit because I believe in it (or I think it's hilarious!) Plus, I'm smarter than to write to some deadbeat radio host for blog hits.

Mulan, Danny DeVito and human faeces :)

I always knew, when deciding to start telling the world I was a feminist that there would be problems. Yet, never did I imagine the amount of sheer shit I would have to deal with. I literally feel sometimes like being a feminist means being willing to swim through a sea of shit and your flippers and armbands are made of shit and every now and then a sea monster made of shit tries to drag you down deeper into the shit and suffocate you with it's tentacles of shit.
A vast number of people will try and make things worse for you and confuse your cause with that of a militant communist lesbian (a valid cause, nonetheless, but not the one us feminists fight for). They will make you so angry you just want to go mental and get all stabby. But you do not, for you are an intelligent feminist who can calmly rationalise her arguments - except when you're drunk and screaming 'POWER TO DA PUSSAAAY'.
I've written a list of these people for your awareness, as they may take you by surprise. Remember, y'all misogynists are everywhere!

• The guy who goes 'huh huh huh, so how come you expect men to pay the bill... WELL?!?!' like he's made some kind of journal-worthy point that no arsehole has ever made before. Just tell this guy that HE is always expected to pay the bill as a gift to that woman as SHE has had to put up with his poor banter for a considerable amount of time. The subtle nuances of a relationship tend to be worked out by two people. Personally, I like to go dutch as I feel weird about being paid for by someone who probably doesn't know me very well. Regardless, this argument is the same as saying 'why do I always have to be big spoon in bed'. It's pretty pointless and irrelevant.
• The girl who tells you you're letting down the team, and that feminism is boring. All I have to say to these girls is good luck in all their future endeavours. If only someone had said to Mandela 'dude, civil rights is so boring, chill out get a mani/pedi, you look so unattractive in those prison clothes'. If you talk about it all the time, yeah it probably is boring. Same way if you CONSTANTLY talk about Phish Food ice cream or a really cute cat  or any other good things they'll become boring. I like a lambrini and a mini-dress as much as the next lass - I just happen to value myself - so I don't get too worked up on comments from girls who like to get their heads pushed down during blow jobs.
• Biological determinists. Breaking out the big words now, yo. These people will tell you that since the dawn of time men have done certain things and women have done certain things and it's all because of biology and certainly nothing to do with thousands of years of oppression. So really, us wenches should all get back to scrubbing the decks and ironing shirts and having the dinner ready for our husband's return. Fuck. Dat. Shit. Women have proved time and time again that they are able to do all of the things men can do but people still bring up the fact that women are 'motherly' and 'caring' and any other word which basically means fluffy. Many women do have these qualities - it's great to be sweet - but that doesn't mean they aren't also strong, capable, logical and clever. Christ, just look at how Mulan fooled all those Chinese army guys!
• This is one which basically confounds me. Women who say to you 'yeah right on, but tbh it's just not for me this whole feminism lark'. O rly? Is equality a bit too radical for you? To be a woman and not a feminist is like a meerkat just opting out of doing that cute little lookout thing. That's the real letting down the team. Being a feminist isn't the same as being a Jehovah's Witness. You don't have to go round the doors telling people to 'join up'. You just are. If someone abuses you or puts you down or short-changes you because you're a woman you just say no. Simples (as a true team player once said). 

There are many more people who will try to wee on your feminist cornflakes. My advice is just to eat the cornflakes and smile sweetly which trying to keep down their fetid urine - metaphorically OBV! So, as if life wasn't already a constant struggle not to physically hurt others it gets worse. I just like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito in Matilda and go "I'm right you're wrong! And there ain't nothin' you can do about it!" I actually like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito a lot. Maybe I should get that seen to.

Auld Lang SHITE

So it's January.
Happy bloody new year! I love the idea of a new year. A fresh start, a blank canvas. However, I can't help but feel like a burst balloon about four seconds after the cheek-kissing and 'happy new-year-ing' on the bells has ended.
January is the worst month because -

• Christmas (which I start preparing for and getting excited about at the beginning of October) is over. You've opened your presents and watched the Royle family and you have to wait a whole 350-something days to do it all again.
• You're properly skint as most of you got paid either before Christmas or before NYE and spunked it all away on booze and presents and sparkly outfits.
• Everyone else on the planet is on a health kick so you have to live like a disgusting alcoholic slob alone - this is very distressing.
• It's cold and snow has no resonance now that you're not feeling festive.
• The next holiday to look forward to is Valentines day which strikes fear into the heart of every woman who knows she's going to have to go to Ann Summers and purchase some piece of bright red cheese cloth and look like a joint of pork while smiling, pretending it's all ok, and hoping that with enough champagne and shit chocolates she'll have forgotten all about the ordeal by morning.
• That is unless you count Burns Night (and if you do please just fuck right off) which is essentially just eating dog food and praising a poet, who if you knew him, you'd call an utter twat and probably hate.

Have a good month.