Stop The Thieves In Charge

So, readers, it appears we have another scandal on our hands. Treasurer Mark Grundig has been caught yet again with his hands in the public coffers - only this time it's not welfare cuts, he's been siphoning off cash into his family's own hedge fund business. This news has hit the blogosphere by storm since The Guardian exposed Grundig's accused embezzlement.
How long do we have to wait before we get a government intent on helping the people, instead of some jumped-up Eton boy who's in the job for even more money?
Here's us all, working our arses off every day, paying tax, looking after our kids and even then still donating to good causes. All while our bourgeoisie leaders bail out bankers who steal from us and apparently steal from us themselves.
It's time to make a change, and at the moment it feels like we're on the verge of a revolution. Me and some of the other political bloggers here in London have decided to organise a protest outside parliament as well as a Twitter thunderclap to make those rich boy thieves really take notice.
Be there at 10am on July 10th (perhaps the MPs will be out of their beds at that time) and be sure to bring signs, banners and Anonymous masks if you have them. The plan is to make this a biggie, so tell everyone you know.
The Twitter thunderclap will be at 12pm that day. We decided not to do it earlier so that police don't get wind of our protest beforehand and move it along. The hash tag is #StopThievesInCharge so this'll be all about tweeting, retweeting and making sure this gets trending.
Together we can really make a difference and stop these people who clearly don't care about the people who they're paid to make a difference for.

LET'S DO THIS UK BLOGGERS!

Summer HOLZ!

Summer time is here!.. Well if you can call a British summer that. It will be drizzly with one day of sun and 16 degrees. Anyway, does it really matter when most of us will be abusing our overdrafts to get to the proverbial 'abroad' for a week or two?

For a self-respecting girl my age going on holiday is hard enough: Working like a prostitute in Amsterdam just to pay for the thing, then trying not to lose all your human rights on the boat 'party' (prison) as well as dodging the numbers of street PRs trying to offer you 10 shots and a blow-job if you enter their rank establishment. But apparently that's not enough. Now bikinis are under fire.

I read a piece today about the rise of the 'micro bikini.' Appaz this is a totally widespread thing. See below.

I'm really sure I would've noticed full on labia at the beach. And spewed everywhere. But I have never seen one of these things before, nor do I want to ever ever ever again.

The article detailed how the pornification of our society requires women to be young and white and wear a tiny bikini and have no body hair. This is all for the approval of men and not for ourselves in any way.

Firstly... God, Karen, you can't just tell people not to be white. Plus these women are clearly porn-stars. It's not pornification if the goal is porn. No woman I know - even the super slutty ones - would wear something like this. It's fucking hideous for one. 

The fact is white women love a tan. Perhaps the frequency of women wearing such 'garments' is higher with caucasians, but I would put that down to the fact that we will literally get naked and slather ourselves in goose fat for that sweet damaged glow. The more skin on show the better.

Plus it's not for men. People - including males - wear less clothes on beaches because it's FRICKIN HOT OUT. Soz, forgot my grey fleece and thermals, I'm at the goddamn beach! 

When you're on your holidays you just let it all hang out. Before most women go, they're afraid they're gonna look like a total whale, even if they're a size 8, but in reality when you're at the pool - even the size 20 women are wearing bikinis.

The hairless thing has always been an issue for me. I like a good landscape of my lady garden before a week in the sun, sure! It's just women who feel the need to look like a large, freaky baby. But, honestly, I just want women to know that nothing's wrong. I just want them to not think they're a freak either way. Condemning a pube trim is equally as bad. Get rid of it, just don't think guys won't want you or you'll have to live in a church clocktower like Quasimodo if you don't.

This fucking feminist hate is worse than hate towards feminists. Like making women so shit-scared of every little tiny thing they do in case it's too 'sexy'. Guess what? I LOVE a bikini, and I'm not ashamed. I want a belly tan for jebus' sake.

An Eventful Night

Currently, I am tired, I have work tomorrow, I have a million better things to be doing... But I feel I need to write this.
It seems appropriate to document the events of tonight in bullet form (it's pretty long-winded)

• Comedian Rob Delaney retweeted a tweet by a guy called Tom Leykis, being nasty to some unsuspecting lady who commented that sandwich jokes are not - and, I hope you all agree, they're really not.
• This guy Leykis was getting seriously personal and nasty about this woman, and then about feminists in general, saying that people who comment on misogyny are actually more hateful and nasty than everyone. While this woman can easily stick up for herself I decided to tweet Mr Leykis.
• "@tomleykis People are hateful towards you because you're a massive a-hole not because of your gender/race/sexual orientation #learnthatshit" ... He replied...
• "@JessicaCVL My millions of listeners KNOW that I'm an asshole...and proud of it!" ... I replied ...
• "@tomleykis Well good luck to you. Spouting shit is a real talent #rectumofaman". 
• While not particularly a pleasant chat, we both got our points across and we ended it there. There was a consensus that he is an asshole, anyway? This is where it got weird.
• Quite a few people tweeted me. Apparently this guy Leykis is a radio show presenter (fuck me, they'll hire anyone, good news for my journalistic career).
• They called me a "dumb bitch," "dumb whore," "dumb bitch," (these guys are witty) "deformed," "ugly princess," "only worth is between [my] legs, if there is any at all," and said that "I need to listen to learn how to suck a dick n [sic] keep a man".
• They also wouldn't believe me that I hadn't listened to this guy's show and, for some reason, 11pm was prime time for sex so I shouldn't be tweeting them. I was also called a troll?

Isn't the internet great?!?!?!?!

It was all just really weird. But it did bring me to the conclusion that we need feminism more than ever. Before now, apart from a few real trolls commenting 'fucking feminist' on shit I've written just for the hell of it, I've never actually come into contact with such a shower of shits.

If you've read this blog before, then obviously you'll know I really care about feminism, but now more than ever before. It's like you know there are people out there that genuinely think homosexuality is evil, but until you meet them they're just 'those cunts' and when you do they're 'those REAL cunts'.

Germaine Greer said you're not a woman until you taste your own period blood, I say you're not a woman until someone's told you you're only worth comes from your cunt. My cunt is pretty awesome and priceless but I like to think other parts of me are alright too. I will continue to think this - while still promoting how brilliant my genitals are - forever. Because some guy who has an anime character as his profile picture really doesn't matter that much.

I just hope that other women don't see shit like this and get scared to stand up for themselves and others. It's not a sisterhood to me, you really don't have a duty to woman-kind. I just like to think a lot of us have the moral fibre to take on dickheads the world over and bogwash them and wear pointed toe shoes and kick their arseholes etc. These people who go round talking shit about women on the internet are probably stroking their miniscule dicks (or massive pussies, if they're ladies on the dark side ;P) while they do it... So just block them and have a huge bowl of Frosties. They're fucking delicious, seriously.

DISCLAIMER: One of these people said I'd written the original comment to promote this blog. About 3 people read it, I am aware of this. I do promote posts by tweeting and Facebooking them but this only really goes out to my friends and that's how I like it. I write this blog for personal purposes, knowing that I'm not some kind of internet star. I would never write things for 'publicity', I write shit because I believe in it (or I think it's hilarious!) Plus, I'm smarter than to write to some deadbeat radio host for blog hits.

Mulan, Danny DeVito and human faeces :)

I always knew, when deciding to start telling the world I was a feminist that there would be problems. Yet, never did I imagine the amount of sheer shit I would have to deal with. I literally feel sometimes like being a feminist means being willing to swim through a sea of shit and your flippers and armbands are made of shit and every now and then a sea monster made of shit tries to drag you down deeper into the shit and suffocate you with it's tentacles of shit.
A vast number of people will try and make things worse for you and confuse your cause with that of a militant communist lesbian (a valid cause, nonetheless, but not the one us feminists fight for). They will make you so angry you just want to go mental and get all stabby. But you do not, for you are an intelligent feminist who can calmly rationalise her arguments - except when you're drunk and screaming 'POWER TO DA PUSSAAAY'.
I've written a list of these people for your awareness, as they may take you by surprise. Remember, y'all misogynists are everywhere!

• The guy who goes 'huh huh huh, so how come you expect men to pay the bill... WELL?!?!' like he's made some kind of journal-worthy point that no arsehole has ever made before. Just tell this guy that HE is always expected to pay the bill as a gift to that woman as SHE has had to put up with his poor banter for a considerable amount of time. The subtle nuances of a relationship tend to be worked out by two people. Personally, I like to go dutch as I feel weird about being paid for by someone who probably doesn't know me very well. Regardless, this argument is the same as saying 'why do I always have to be big spoon in bed'. It's pretty pointless and irrelevant.
• The girl who tells you you're letting down the team, and that feminism is boring. All I have to say to these girls is good luck in all their future endeavours. If only someone had said to Mandela 'dude, civil rights is so boring, chill out get a mani/pedi, you look so unattractive in those prison clothes'. If you talk about it all the time, yeah it probably is boring. Same way if you CONSTANTLY talk about Phish Food ice cream or a really cute cat  or any other good things they'll become boring. I like a lambrini and a mini-dress as much as the next lass - I just happen to value myself - so I don't get too worked up on comments from girls who like to get their heads pushed down during blow jobs.
• Biological determinists. Breaking out the big words now, yo. These people will tell you that since the dawn of time men have done certain things and women have done certain things and it's all because of biology and certainly nothing to do with thousands of years of oppression. So really, us wenches should all get back to scrubbing the decks and ironing shirts and having the dinner ready for our husband's return. Fuck. Dat. Shit. Women have proved time and time again that they are able to do all of the things men can do but people still bring up the fact that women are 'motherly' and 'caring' and any other word which basically means fluffy. Many women do have these qualities - it's great to be sweet - but that doesn't mean they aren't also strong, capable, logical and clever. Christ, just look at how Mulan fooled all those Chinese army guys!
• This is one which basically confounds me. Women who say to you 'yeah right on, but tbh it's just not for me this whole feminism lark'. O rly? Is equality a bit too radical for you? To be a woman and not a feminist is like a meerkat just opting out of doing that cute little lookout thing. That's the real letting down the team. Being a feminist isn't the same as being a Jehovah's Witness. You don't have to go round the doors telling people to 'join up'. You just are. If someone abuses you or puts you down or short-changes you because you're a woman you just say no. Simples (as a true team player once said). 

There are many more people who will try to wee on your feminist cornflakes. My advice is just to eat the cornflakes and smile sweetly which trying to keep down their fetid urine - metaphorically OBV! So, as if life wasn't already a constant struggle not to physically hurt others it gets worse. I just like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito in Matilda and go "I'm right you're wrong! And there ain't nothin' you can do about it!" I actually like to pretend I'm Danny DeVito a lot. Maybe I should get that seen to.

Auld Lang SHITE

So it's January.
Happy bloody new year! I love the idea of a new year. A fresh start, a blank canvas. However, I can't help but feel like a burst balloon about four seconds after the cheek-kissing and 'happy new-year-ing' on the bells has ended.
January is the worst month because -

• Christmas (which I start preparing for and getting excited about at the beginning of October) is over. You've opened your presents and watched the Royle family and you have to wait a whole 350-something days to do it all again.
• You're properly skint as most of you got paid either before Christmas or before NYE and spunked it all away on booze and presents and sparkly outfits.
• Everyone else on the planet is on a health kick so you have to live like a disgusting alcoholic slob alone - this is very distressing.
• It's cold and snow has no resonance now that you're not feeling festive.
• The next holiday to look forward to is Valentines day which strikes fear into the heart of every woman who knows she's going to have to go to Ann Summers and purchase some piece of bright red cheese cloth and look like a joint of pork while smiling, pretending it's all ok, and hoping that with enough champagne and shit chocolates she'll have forgotten all about the ordeal by morning.
• That is unless you count Burns Night (and if you do please just fuck right off) which is essentially just eating dog food and praising a poet, who if you knew him, you'd call an utter twat and probably hate.

Have a good month.

Girls On Film

According to studies by numerous reputable news and research organizations pornography accounts for roughly 12% of the internet. There are 68 million search engine requests for pornographic content every day – A staggering result but one which is no surprise to many of us. We all know that it is adult websites which first caused the World Wide Web to flourish. Next week a public consultation by the government regarding this issue will end and decisions will be made on the future of what we view online.

The Daily Mail has embarked on a tirade against anything sexual online claiming that children are unwittingly being exposed to images which are “scarring” them on a daily basis. While they have evidence to reinforce this from the NSPCC and Childline alarm bells continue to ring in my mind. Firstly, any user of the internet will know that pornography does not simply creep up on you. Granted, it is easy enough to search for websites but every major porn site asks your age before you enter and restricts access if you are under 18 (or 21 in some cases). How naïve to assume that the internet is some malevolent force, pushing sordid images and videos upon innocent minors. If your child is accessing porn it is because they or their friends have went looking for it any bypassed security measures to do so. Sorry to shatter the image of your sheltered little brats. Just because you haven’t given them ‘the talk’ certainly doesn’t mean their mates in the playground haven’t already enlightened them to the Birds and the Bees.

Secondly, what is The Daily Mail’s proposed course of action against this? To make pornography “opt-in”. This means that everybody’s internet is automatically restricted and to undo this you have to call your ISP and ask someone at a call-centre if you’d like to change this. Now, call me crazy but if I want a wank I’d like not to have to ask James in Cardiff from Virgin Media, thanks very much. It is my civil liberty to be able to watch whatever I want online (given it is not illegal) and it is not OK for that to be taken away from me. Government intervention has gone too far when your access online is being restricted. I can only like it to the quote from Robert A. Henlein on censorship: “The whole principle is wrong; it's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't eat steak.” As long as what is being shown is not against the law, why should we be forbidden from seeing it?

It is another way for people to be made to feel dirty for doing what is normal. Pornography is certainly not a substitute for real human sexual interaction but when watched in moderation (both alone and as a couple) it can contribute to a healthy sex life. Yes, people have reported becoming addicted to it. But there are also sex addicts and alcoholics and those hooked on nicotine and none of those things are even considered taboo let alone illegal.

Parents – If you are worried your child is going to be scarred by the image of a couple having sex then please, firstly, get a grip. They see heads get kicked off in Tekken and people’s guts get blown up in action movies. They tell you they’re scared and traumatized because they’ve been caught. If they say it wasn’t their fault and they don’t know what happened then they’re not in trouble. No kid is going to tell their mum that they wanted to know what a woman’s downstairs looks like so they searched it on Google.

Furthermore if it’s that big an issue for you, feel free to add parental controls. It’s easy and free with most service providers. If that’s too hard for you? Well, you’re a lazy parent and any worries you profess to have are bullshit because if you cared that much you’d take the ten minutes and do it.

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair that busybodies and poor parenting should be to blame for censorship of the internet. Freedom is important whether it’s to be able to vote or to be able to look at fake tits and creepily large penises. WHO’S WITH ME?!

The Rise and Rise of The Lad

Lad culture was seen as something which originated in the 90s. Cheeky fellas like Damon Albarn et al getting drunk in Falkiraki and getting their bums out to bemused middle class families. And, yes, that may be correct. However, I put to you that lad culture has never really blossomed until our generation. There is only one piece of evidence I need to prove this: The fact that girls fancy Gaz from Geordie Shore.

If you’ve ever seen Geordie Shore you’ll be well aware of that it’s basically soft-core porn with added vomiting and jagerbombs. All fornication. All of the time. I actually find it highly entertaining (which probably says more about me than it does the show) but what constantly baffles me is that the men manage to get so much sex!

This is Gaz.

It might be down to personal taste but I think he looks like a weasel. He isn’t tall. His hair resembles a porcupine covered in bird shit. He does have muscles, granted, but that is definitely tainted by the addition of the warpaint all over his body which I can only assume is gravy.

His pulling  techniques include finding out where a girl is from and saying “Ah bet girls from (insert place name here) cannit kiss” and posting pictures of girls he’s had sex with sleeping the next morning on Twitter – entitling it “The Bed of Shame.”

Geordie Shore is a pretty candid show with no holds barred. He tells the camera that he’s a blatant player and wants all girls he brings back to be gone in the morning and never to be seen again. It is also a very popular show with young people so I’m sure the girls “tashing on” with this Neanderthal are aware of the fact that they are basically a vagina with a body to this bloke.

Is this really all women of 2012 expect for themselves!? It’s brilliant that women are now free to have as many casual sexual encounters as men. Yay equality! But for fuck’s sake, at least choose a man that takes your number and is averse to letting the whole world see your arse on MTV (if that situation ever were to arise).

You get girls that moan all over social networking sites that they wish they could find a man akin to Prince Charming or, better yet, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. These are the same girls who let guys face-fuck them outside nightclubs while, as is often the case, jeering mates look on. They suck up to these guys by plastering on fake tan and back-coming their hair within in an inch of it’s life then slut-dropping all over the dancefloor. It embarrasses our gender and makes them look like desperate hookers. And for what? A three minute bang with photographic evidence for your dad to see on Facebook.

Lad culture is so much more aggressive now. Where once is was cheeky try-your-luck chat up lines it is now certain guys thinking it’s their God-given right on a night out to have sex. Girls facilitate this enormously by brown-nosing such silly bastards as though they are Adonises – They are not. They are orange jerk-offs wearing too much Topman.

So, ladies, his dick may be named “The Parsnip” but screw him and YOU will be nicknamed “The Town Bike”. His fake tan stains on your bedsheets may wash but the same of the fact you got used by a Lad will not.